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The World of "Fan Fiction"

"I keep recalling things we never did" 🎶

Jul 22, 2024
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Photograph of eighteen multi-colored, printed copies of the zine “Fan Fiction” laid flat in a tight grid.

Fan Fiction is a zine I published back in April. A satire. A novella. It starts as music criticism about the work of Taylor Swift and becomes—tee hee—a “genre-defying project” about fandom, fame and storytelling. Like all good things, it came about as a low-stakes, between-projects outlet and ended up being a sneak-attack-perfect container for ideas I’d been kicking around for years, very freeing and FUN. Now, I’m fixed! All you people lead your little lives, and I’m…fixed…

You can read or print it at mirrorball.org, or order a beautiful copy printed by Heavy Manners. Full-bleed with a risograph-printed cover in a surprise color. I CAN’T GET OVER HOW GOOD THEY LOOK! (And if you’re in L.A., go to Heavy Manners!!!)

Photograph showing Tavi Gevinson from the shoulders up laying on a wooden floor. Multi-colored copies of the zine “Fan Fiction” are laid out in a circle around her head.
A photograph of three multi-colored copies of the zine “Fan Fiction” laid flat on a wood surface. The zines are overlapping and are turned to show the back cover. The back cover of the zine has an image of a paper CD case surrounded by a variety of small objects, which include bobby pins, bead bracelets, paper clips, flower and heart shaped beads, and two earrings. There is a hand-written note on the CD case. The note reads: “After the show, Grace, Siobhan + I ordered pizza and recorded ourselves talking about everything that had happened back at the hotel. It feels like a more appropriate way of having this archive than a written entry. It is enclosed.”
A photograph showing an open copy of the zine “Fan Fiction” laid flat on a wood surface. The first two pages of the zine are visible. The left page is neon yellow and has an image of a clear vial of matches being poured out. The name “Taylor Swift” is printed on the side of the vial. The right page is white. At the bottom of the page, a hand-written quote from Vladimir Nabokov’s Pale Fire is printed. The quote reads: “The calendar says I had known her (her is scribbled out) him only for a few months but there exist friendships which develop their own inner duration, their own eons of transparent time, independent of rotating, malicious music.” - Vladimir Nabokov, Pale Fire
A photograph showing an open copy of the zine “Fan Fiction” laid flat on a wooden surface. Two pages of the zine are visible. The text is written in a serif font and the borders of both pages are decorated with miscellaneous images which include pictures of rings, sticker sheets, pieces of lace, an image of a pencil, and images showing a distorted Princess Peach figurine.
Photo taken at night of Tavi Gevinson in front of a ferris wheel with bright lights that read “Wonder Wheel.” Tavi is in the left corner. Her face is partially obscured by the three copies of the zine “Fan Fiction” that she is holding up. Each copy is printed in a different color: yellow, orange, lilac with blue ink.
“Delete Coney Island.”

This post is dedicated to the world of this project, because the only thing that allowed me to kill my darlings while working on it was knowing I could later resuscitate those darlings in a blog post. By “darlings” I don’t mean my own writing, but references and images I’d been saving for years toward some kind of internet/fandom-inspired project, interspersed here with quotes from the zine. Wake up, darlings…it’s showtime…

Quote from Fan Fiction: And here is where Swift’s movie becomes our lives. We don’t need to be able to picture ourselves in the song, because we can just picture what we are sure is her reality—which is so much realer than ours—and sublimate our own desire and frustration into the narrative of this ultimate, ideal protagonist.
1: A pair of over the ear, wired headphones atop a blue sky with a cloud. The bottom text reads in an all-caps: “Choose your escape route.” 2: A close up of Olivia Rodrigo’s face, only her eyes and eyebrows are visible. She’s blowing bubblegum. The large, pink circular bubble obscures the singer’s nose and mouth. Her eyes focused the pubble at the center of the image. 3: Repeated black and white photograph of a couple kissing. 4: Black text in a techno-esque font on a white background reads “outside the party inside the dream.” 5: Photograph of a tarp printed with an image of a blue sky with white clouds. Two slits at the bottom of the tarp allow three children to peek through the tarp. 6: Screenshot of the comment section of a Tik Tok video. Green trees are visible in the top of the image, above the open comment section. The comment section is a white box that takes up the majority of the image. Tik Tok user danica comments “what aesthetic is this ? x.” Tik Tok user marinersarchive responds “walking outside.” The original commenter, danica, responds “Thank you!” 7: Illustration of a person with dark hair sitting face down in a bathtub surrounded by photographs of men who look like pop idols. A can with cigarette butts and a smartphone sit on the edge of the bathtub. 8: A young teenager sitting on a bike looks over her shoulder directly at the camera. She is wearing a flower crown, a costume elf ear, and her face is painted with a pink flower. 9: A soft photograph of daisies blurred, as if in motion, against a light blue background. 1: A pair of over the ear, wired headphones atop a blue sky with a cloud. The bottom text reads in an all-caps: “Choose your escape route.” 2: A close up of Olivia Rodrigo’s face, only her eyes and eyebrows are visible. She’s blowing bubblegum. The large, pink circular bubble obscures the singer’s nose and mouth. Her eyes focused the pubble at the center of the image. 3: Repeated black and white photograph of a couple kissing. 4: Black text in a techno-esque font on a white background reads “outside the party inside the dream.” 5: Photograph of a tarp printed with an image of a blue sky with white clouds. Two slits at the bottom of the tarp allow three children to peek through the tarp. 6: Screenshot of the comment section of a Tik Tok video. Green trees are visible in the top of the image, above the open comment section. The comment section is a white box that takes up the majority of the image. Tik Tok user danica comments “what aesthetic is this ? x.” Tik Tok user marinersarchive responds “walking outside.” The original commenter, danica, responds “Thank you!” 7: Illustration of a person with dark hair sitting face down in a bathtub surrounded by photographs of men who look like pop idols. A can with cigarette butts and a smartphone sit on the edge of the bathtub. 8: A young teenager sitting on a bike looks over her shoulder directly at the camera. She is wearing a flower crown, a costume elf ear, and her face is painted with a pink flower. 9: A soft photograph of daisies blurred, as if in motion, against a light blue background. 1: A pair of over the ear, wired headphones atop a blue sky with a cloud. The bottom text reads in an all-caps: “Choose your escape route.” 2: A close up of Olivia Rodrigo’s face, only her eyes and eyebrows are visible. She’s blowing bubblegum. The large, pink circular bubble obscures the singer’s nose and mouth. Her eyes focused the pubble at the center of the image. 3: Repeated black and white photograph of a couple kissing. 4: Black text in a techno-esque font on a white background reads “outside the party inside the dream.” 5: Photograph of a tarp printed with an image of a blue sky with white clouds. Two slits at the bottom of the tarp allow three children to peek through the tarp. 6: Screenshot of the comment section of a Tik Tok video. Green trees are visible in the top of the image, above the open comment section. The comment section is a white box that takes up the majority of the image. Tik Tok user danica comments “what aesthetic is this ? x.” Tik Tok user marinersarchive responds “walking outside.” The original commenter, danica, responds “Thank you!” 7: Illustration of a person with dark hair sitting face down in a bathtub surrounded by photographs of men who look like pop idols. A can with cigarette butts and a smartphone sit on the edge of the bathtub. 8: A young teenager sitting on a bike looks over her shoulder directly at the camera. She is wearing a flower crown, a costume elf ear, and her face is painted with a pink flower. 9: A soft photograph of daisies blurred, as if in motion, against a light blue background. 
1: A pair of over the ear, wired headphones atop a blue sky with a cloud. The bottom text reads in an all-caps: “Choose your escape route.” 2: A close up of Olivia Rodrigo’s face, only her eyes and eyebrows are visible. She’s blowing bubblegum. The large, pink circular bubble obscures the singer’s nose and mouth. Her eyes focused the pubble at the center of the image. 3: Repeated black and white photograph of a couple kissing. 4: Black text in a techno-esque font on a white background reads “outside the party inside the dream.” 5: Photograph of a tarp printed with an image of a blue sky with white clouds. Two slits at the bottom of the tarp allow three children to peek through the tarp. 6: Screenshot of the comment section of a Tik Tok video. Green trees are visible in the top of the image, above the open comment section. The comment section is a white box that takes up the majority of the image. Tik Tok user danica comments “what aesthetic is this ? x.” Tik Tok user marinersarchive responds “walking outside.” The original commenter, danica, responds “Thank you!” 7: Illustration of a person with dark hair sitting face down in a bathtub surrounded by photographs of men who look like pop idols. A can with cigarette butts and a smartphone sit on the edge of the bathtub. 8: A young teenager sitting on a bike looks over her shoulder directly at the camera. She is wearing a flower crown, a costume elf ear, and her face is painted with a pink flower. 9: A soft photograph of daisies blurred, as if in motion, against a light blue background. 1: A pair of over the ear, wired headphones atop a blue sky with a cloud. The bottom text reads in an all-caps: “Choose your escape route.” 2: A close up of Olivia Rodrigo’s face, only her eyes and eyebrows are visible. She’s blowing bubblegum. The large, pink circular bubble obscures the singer’s nose and mouth. Her eyes focused the pubble at the center of the image. 3: Repeated black and white photograph of a couple kissing. 4: Black text in a techno-esque font on a white background reads “outside the party inside the dream.” 5: Photograph of a tarp printed with an image of a blue sky with white clouds. Two slits at the bottom of the tarp allow three children to peek through the tarp. 6: Screenshot of the comment section of a Tik Tok video. Green trees are visible in the top of the image, above the open comment section. The comment section is a white box that takes up the majority of the image. Tik Tok user danica comments “what aesthetic is this ? x.” Tik Tok user marinersarchive responds “walking outside.” The original commenter, danica, responds “Thank you!” 7: Illustration of a person with dark hair sitting face down in a bathtub surrounded by photographs of men who look like pop idols. A can with cigarette butts and a smartphone sit on the edge of the bathtub. 8: A young teenager sitting on a bike looks over her shoulder directly at the camera. She is wearing a flower crown, a costume elf ear, and her face is painted with a pink flower. 9: A soft photograph of daisies blurred, as if in motion, against a light blue background. 1: A pair of over the ear, wired headphones atop a blue sky with a cloud. The bottom text reads in an all-caps: “Choose your escape route.” 2: A close up of Olivia Rodrigo’s face, only her eyes and eyebrows are visible. She’s blowing bubblegum. The large, pink circular bubble obscures the singer’s nose and mouth. Her eyes focused the pubble at the center of the image. 3: Repeated black and white photograph of a couple kissing. 4: Black text in a techno-esque font on a white background reads “outside the party inside the dream.” 5: Photograph of a tarp printed with an image of a blue sky with white clouds. Two slits at the bottom of the tarp allow three children to peek through the tarp. 6: Screenshot of the comment section of a Tik Tok video. Green trees are visible in the top of the image, above the open comment section. The comment section is a white box that takes up the majority of the image. Tik Tok user danica comments “what aesthetic is this ? x.” Tik Tok user marinersarchive responds “walking outside.” The original commenter, danica, responds “Thank you!” 7: Illustration of a person with dark hair sitting face down in a bathtub surrounded by photographs of men who look like pop idols. A can with cigarette butts and a smartphone sit on the edge of the bathtub. 8: A young teenager sitting on a bike looks over her shoulder directly at the camera. She is wearing a flower crown, a costume elf ear, and her face is painted with a pink flower. 9: A soft photograph of daisies blurred, as if in motion, against a light blue background. 
1: A pair of over the ear, wired headphones atop a blue sky with a cloud. The bottom text reads in an all-caps: “Choose your escape route.” 2: A close up of Olivia Rodrigo’s face, only her eyes and eyebrows are visible. She’s blowing bubblegum. The large, pink circular bubble obscures the singer’s nose and mouth. Her eyes focused the pubble at the center of the image. 3: Repeated black and white photograph of a couple kissing. 4: Black text in a techno-esque font on a white background reads “outside the party inside the dream.” 5: Photograph of a tarp printed with an image of a blue sky with white clouds. Two slits at the bottom of the tarp allow three children to peek through the tarp. 6: Screenshot of the comment section of a Tik Tok video. Green trees are visible in the top of the image, above the open comment section. The comment section is a white box that takes up the majority of the image. Tik Tok user danica comments “what aesthetic is this ? x.” Tik Tok user marinersarchive responds “walking outside.” The original commenter, danica, responds “Thank you!” 7: Illustration of a person with dark hair sitting face down in a bathtub surrounded by photographs of men who look like pop idols. A can with cigarette butts and a smartphone sit on the edge of the bathtub. 8: A young teenager sitting on a bike looks over her shoulder directly at the camera. She is wearing a flower crown, a costume elf ear, and her face is painted with a pink flower. 9: A soft photograph of daisies blurred, as if in motion, against a light blue background. 1: A pair of over the ear, wired headphones atop a blue sky with a cloud. The bottom text reads in an all-caps: “Choose your escape route.” 2: A close up of Olivia Rodrigo’s face, only her eyes and eyebrows are visible. She’s blowing bubblegum. The large, pink circular bubble obscures the singer’s nose and mouth. Her eyes focused the pubble at the center of the image. 3: Repeated black and white photograph of a couple kissing. 4: Black text in a techno-esque font on a white background reads “outside the party inside the dream.” 5: Photograph of a tarp printed with an image of a blue sky with white clouds. Two slits at the bottom of the tarp allow three children to peek through the tarp. 6: Screenshot of the comment section of a Tik Tok video. Green trees are visible in the top of the image, above the open comment section. The comment section is a white box that takes up the majority of the image. Tik Tok user danica comments “what aesthetic is this ? x.” Tik Tok user marinersarchive responds “walking outside.” The original commenter, danica, responds “Thank you!” 7: Illustration of a person with dark hair sitting face down in a bathtub surrounded by photographs of men who look like pop idols. A can with cigarette butts and a smartphone sit on the edge of the bathtub. 8: A young teenager sitting on a bike looks over her shoulder directly at the camera. She is wearing a flower crown, a costume elf ear, and her face is painted with a pink flower. 9: A soft photograph of daisies blurred, as if in motion, against a light blue background. 1: A pair of over the ear, wired headphones atop a blue sky with a cloud. The bottom text reads in an all-caps: “Choose your escape route.” 2: A close up of Olivia Rodrigo’s face, only her eyes and eyebrows are visible. She’s blowing bubblegum. The large, pink circular bubble obscures the singer’s nose and mouth. Her eyes focused the pubble at the center of the image. 3: Repeated black and white photograph of a couple kissing. 4: Black text in a techno-esque font on a white background reads “outside the party inside the dream.” 5: Photograph of a tarp printed with an image of a blue sky with white clouds. Two slits at the bottom of the tarp allow three children to peek through the tarp. 6: Screenshot of the comment section of a Tik Tok video. Green trees are visible in the top of the image, above the open comment section. The comment section is a white box that takes up the majority of the image. Tik Tok user danica comments “what aesthetic is this ? x.” Tik Tok user marinersarchive responds “walking outside.” The original commenter, danica, responds “Thank you!” 7: Illustration of a person with dark hair sitting face down in a bathtub surrounded by photographs of men who look like pop idols. A can with cigarette butts and a smartphone sit on the edge of the bathtub. 8: A young teenager sitting on a bike looks over her shoulder directly at the camera. She is wearing a flower crown, a costume elf ear, and her face is painted with a pink flower. 9: A soft photograph of daisies blurred, as if in motion, against a light blue background. 
Clockwise from top left: a 1981 GE Stereo Escape ad, Olivia Rodrigo by Brianna Lee Capozzi for Interview Magazine, Ralph Morse for Life Magazine, Romina Malta for Cehryl, Octavi Serra, unknown screenshot source, Jiayi Li for The New Yorker, Erinn Springer for the New York Times, Paula Codoñer.
Quote from Fan Fiction: I actually think the internet has turned all of us into perpetual teenagers—defined by what we like, very tribalist, irrationally ascribing morality to taste because IDENTITY!!!!!! But— another time.
1: A close cropped photograph of a model with dark, bob-length hair against a white background. The model’s eyes are closed, her head tilted up, and her mouth is in an open smile. The model’s face, neck, and visible clothing are covered in an assortment of stickers. 2: A simple illustration in black and white showing a circle that contains smaller half-circles pressed up against one another. The caption reads: “Mosaic of subcultures.” 3: A grainy photograph showing a teenager dressed in baggy jeans and a black t-shirt standing on her bed against two walls filled with posters for bands, rockstars, and other celebrities. One prominent poster is for the band Alice in Chains. 4: A photograph of a pink and white flip phone, surrounded by an assortment of phone charms, including Hello Kitty charms, anime figurines, plush toys, and lip gloss. 5: A young person sits backwards in a chair, turned away from the camera. His face, arms, and back are adorned with star stickers, which shine in the light. 6: A screenshot of a listing on Ebay. The image in the listing shows three closed notebooks laid flat on top of each other. Below the image, a caption describes the listing as “Handwritten Diary, Troubled Teenager, 2000’s.” Below the caption the price read $56. Below the price the listing says 6 bids, Ends in 5 days and 7 hours. 7: The cover of Olivia Rodrigo's debut album Sour. Olivia Rodrigo is standing against a purple backdrop, wearing a fuzzy pale pink tank top and checkered bottoms. She looks at the camera and sticks out her tongue. On her tongue, letters spell out the word “Sour.” Her face is covered in an assortment of stickers. 8: Photograph of a group of four teenage girls posing in front of a white building during an annual U.F.O festival. They are each wearing a matching blue and white striped summer dress, a tiara, a pair of silver alien sunglasses, antennas, and a sash embroidered with the year (2023) and the phrase “Hudson Ambassador” along with their name, written in cursive. 9: A single speaker stands on a stage in front of a crowd almost entirely obscured in darkness. Behind the speaker, a large white screen displays the words: “turn customers into fanatics, products into obsessions, employees into ambassadors, and brands into religions.” The text is all lowercase and in black, but the words fanatics, obsessions, ambassadors, and religions appear in various shades of blue for emphasis.1: A close cropped photograph of a model with dark, bob-length hair against a white background. The model’s eyes are closed, her head tilted up, and her mouth is in an open smile. The model’s face, neck, and visible clothing are covered in an assortment of stickers. 2: A simple illustration in black and white showing a circle that contains smaller half-circles pressed up against one another. The caption reads: “Mosaic of subcultures.” 3: A grainy photograph showing a teenager dressed in baggy jeans and a black t-shirt standing on her bed against two walls filled with posters for bands, rockstars, and other celebrities. One prominent poster is for the band Alice in Chains. 4: A photograph of a pink and white flip phone, surrounded by an assortment of phone charms, including Hello Kitty charms, anime figurines, plush toys, and lip gloss. 5: A young person sits backwards in a chair, turned away from the camera. His face, arms, and back are adorned with star stickers, which shine in the light. 6: A screenshot of a listing on Ebay. The image in the listing shows three closed notebooks laid flat on top of each other. Below the image, a caption describes the listing as “Handwritten Diary, Troubled Teenager, 2000’s.” Below the caption the price read $56. Below the price the listing says 6 bids, Ends in 5 days and 7 hours. 7: The cover of Olivia Rodrigo's debut album Sour. Olivia Rodrigo is standing against a purple backdrop, wearing a fuzzy pale pink tank top and checkered bottoms. She looks at the camera and sticks out her tongue. On her tongue, letters spell out the word “Sour.” Her face is covered in an assortment of stickers. 8: Photograph of a group of four teenage girls posing in front of a white building during an annual U.F.O festival. They are each wearing a matching blue and white striped summer dress, a tiara, a pair of silver alien sunglasses, antennas, and a sash embroidered with the year (2023) and the phrase “Hudson Ambassador” along with their name, written in cursive. 9: A single speaker stands on a stage in front of a crowd almost entirely obscured in darkness. Behind the speaker, a large white screen displays the words: “turn customers into fanatics, products into obsessions, employees into ambassadors, and brands into religions.” The text is all lowercase and in black, but the words fanatics, obsessions, ambassadors, and religions appear in various shades of blue for emphasis.1: A close cropped photograph of a model with dark, bob-length hair against a white background. The model’s eyes are closed, her head tilted up, and her mouth is in an open smile. The model’s face, neck, and visible clothing are covered in an assortment of stickers. 2: A simple illustration in black and white showing a circle that contains smaller half-circles pressed up against one another. The caption reads: “Mosaic of subcultures.” 3: A grainy photograph showing a teenager dressed in baggy jeans and a black t-shirt standing on her bed against two walls filled with posters for bands, rockstars, and other celebrities. One prominent poster is for the band Alice in Chains. 4: A photograph of a pink and white flip phone, surrounded by an assortment of phone charms, including Hello Kitty charms, anime figurines, plush toys, and lip gloss. 5: A young person sits backwards in a chair, turned away from the camera. His face, arms, and back are adorned with star stickers, which shine in the light. 6: A screenshot of a listing on Ebay. The image in the listing shows three closed notebooks laid flat on top of each other. Below the image, a caption describes the listing as “Handwritten Diary, Troubled Teenager, 2000’s.” Below the caption the price read $56. Below the price the listing says 6 bids, Ends in 5 days and 7 hours. 7: The cover of Olivia Rodrigo's debut album Sour. Olivia Rodrigo is standing against a purple backdrop, wearing a fuzzy pale pink tank top and checkered bottoms. She looks at the camera and sticks out her tongue. On her tongue, letters spell out the word “Sour.” Her face is covered in an assortment of stickers. 8: Photograph of a group of four teenage girls posing in front of a white building during an annual U.F.O festival. They are each wearing a matching blue and white striped summer dress, a tiara, a pair of silver alien sunglasses, antennas, and a sash embroidered with the year (2023) and the phrase “Hudson Ambassador” along with their name, written in cursive. 9: A single speaker stands on a stage in front of a crowd almost entirely obscured in darkness. Behind the speaker, a large white screen displays the words: “turn customers into fanatics, products into obsessions, employees into ambassadors, and brands into religions.” The text is all lowercase and in black, but the words fanatics, obsessions, ambassadors, and religions appear in various shades of blue for emphasis.
1: A close cropped photograph of a model with dark, bob-length hair against a white background. The model’s eyes are closed, her head tilted up, and her mouth is in an open smile. The model’s face, neck, and visible clothing are covered in an assortment of stickers. 2: A simple illustration in black and white showing a circle that contains smaller half-circles pressed up against one another. The caption reads: “Mosaic of subcultures.” 3: A grainy photograph showing a teenager dressed in baggy jeans and a black t-shirt standing on her bed against two walls filled with posters for bands, rockstars, and other celebrities. One prominent poster is for the band Alice in Chains. 4: A photograph of a pink and white flip phone, surrounded by an assortment of phone charms, including Hello Kitty charms, anime figurines, plush toys, and lip gloss. 5: A young person sits backwards in a chair, turned away from the camera. His face, arms, and back are adorned with star stickers, which shine in the light. 6: A screenshot of a listing on Ebay. The image in the listing shows three closed notebooks laid flat on top of each other. Below the image, a caption describes the listing as “Handwritten Diary, Troubled Teenager, 2000’s.” Below the caption the price read $56. Below the price the listing says 6 bids, Ends in 5 days and 7 hours. 7: The cover of Olivia Rodrigo's debut album Sour. Olivia Rodrigo is standing against a purple backdrop, wearing a fuzzy pale pink tank top and checkered bottoms. She looks at the camera and sticks out her tongue. On her tongue, letters spell out the word “Sour.” Her face is covered in an assortment of stickers. 8: Photograph of a group of four teenage girls posing in front of a white building during an annual U.F.O festival. They are each wearing a matching blue and white striped summer dress, a tiara, a pair of silver alien sunglasses, antennas, and a sash embroidered with the year (2023) and the phrase “Hudson Ambassador” along with their name, written in cursive. 9: A single speaker stands on a stage in front of a crowd almost entirely obscured in darkness. Behind the speaker, a large white screen displays the words: “turn customers into fanatics, products into obsessions, employees into ambassadors, and brands into religions.” The text is all lowercase and in black, but the words fanatics, obsessions, ambassadors, and religions appear in various shades of blue for emphasis.1: A close cropped photograph of a model with dark, bob-length hair against a white background. The model’s eyes are closed, her head tilted up, and her mouth is in an open smile. The model’s face, neck, and visible clothing are covered in an assortment of stickers. 2: A simple illustration in black and white showing a circle that contains smaller half-circles pressed up against one another. The caption reads: “Mosaic of subcultures.” 3: A grainy photograph showing a teenager dressed in baggy jeans and a black t-shirt standing on her bed against two walls filled with posters for bands, rockstars, and other celebrities. One prominent poster is for the band Alice in Chains. 4: A photograph of a pink and white flip phone, surrounded by an assortment of phone charms, including Hello Kitty charms, anime figurines, plush toys, and lip gloss. 5: A young person sits backwards in a chair, turned away from the camera. His face, arms, and back are adorned with star stickers, which shine in the light. 6: A screenshot of a listing on Ebay. The image in the listing shows three closed notebooks laid flat on top of each other. Below the image, a caption describes the listing as “Handwritten Diary, Troubled Teenager, 2000’s.” Below the caption the price read $56. Below the price the listing says 6 bids, Ends in 5 days and 7 hours. 7: The cover of Olivia Rodrigo's debut album Sour. Olivia Rodrigo is standing against a purple backdrop, wearing a fuzzy pale pink tank top and checkered bottoms. She looks at the camera and sticks out her tongue. On her tongue, letters spell out the word “Sour.” Her face is covered in an assortment of stickers. 8: Photograph of a group of four teenage girls posing in front of a white building during an annual U.F.O festival. They are each wearing a matching blue and white striped summer dress, a tiara, a pair of silver alien sunglasses, antennas, and a sash embroidered with the year (2023) and the phrase “Hudson Ambassador” along with their name, written in cursive. 9: A single speaker stands on a stage in front of a crowd almost entirely obscured in darkness. Behind the speaker, a large white screen displays the words: “turn customers into fanatics, products into obsessions, employees into ambassadors, and brands into religions.” The text is all lowercase and in black, but the words fanatics, obsessions, ambassadors, and religions appear in various shades of blue for emphasis.1: A close cropped photograph of a model with dark, bob-length hair against a white background. The model’s eyes are closed, her head tilted up, and her mouth is in an open smile. The model’s face, neck, and visible clothing are covered in an assortment of stickers. 2: A simple illustration in black and white showing a circle that contains smaller half-circles pressed up against one another. The caption reads: “Mosaic of subcultures.” 3: A grainy photograph showing a teenager dressed in baggy jeans and a black t-shirt standing on her bed against two walls filled with posters for bands, rockstars, and other celebrities. One prominent poster is for the band Alice in Chains. 4: A photograph of a pink and white flip phone, surrounded by an assortment of phone charms, including Hello Kitty charms, anime figurines, plush toys, and lip gloss. 5: A young person sits backwards in a chair, turned away from the camera. His face, arms, and back are adorned with star stickers, which shine in the light. 6: A screenshot of a listing on Ebay. The image in the listing shows three closed notebooks laid flat on top of each other. Below the image, a caption describes the listing as “Handwritten Diary, Troubled Teenager, 2000’s.” Below the caption the price read $56. Below the price the listing says 6 bids, Ends in 5 days and 7 hours. 7: The cover of Olivia Rodrigo's debut album Sour. Olivia Rodrigo is standing against a purple backdrop, wearing a fuzzy pale pink tank top and checkered bottoms. She looks at the camera and sticks out her tongue. On her tongue, letters spell out the word “Sour.” Her face is covered in an assortment of stickers. 8: Photograph of a group of four teenage girls posing in front of a white building during an annual U.F.O festival. They are each wearing a matching blue and white striped summer dress, a tiara, a pair of silver alien sunglasses, antennas, and a sash embroidered with the year (2023) and the phrase “Hudson Ambassador” along with their name, written in cursive. 9: A single speaker stands on a stage in front of a crowd almost entirely obscured in darkness. Behind the speaker, a large white screen displays the words: “turn customers into fanatics, products into obsessions, employees into ambassadors, and brands into religions.” The text is all lowercase and in black, but the words fanatics, obsessions, ambassadors, and religions appear in various shades of blue for emphasis.
1: A close cropped photograph of a model with dark, bob-length hair against a white background. The model’s eyes are closed, her head tilted up, and her mouth is in an open smile. The model’s face, neck, and visible clothing are covered in an assortment of stickers. 2: A simple illustration in black and white showing a circle that contains smaller half-circles pressed up against one another. The caption reads: “Mosaic of subcultures.” 3: A grainy photograph showing a teenager dressed in baggy jeans and a black t-shirt standing on her bed against two walls filled with posters for bands, rockstars, and other celebrities. One prominent poster is for the band Alice in Chains. 4: A photograph of a pink and white flip phone, surrounded by an assortment of phone charms, including Hello Kitty charms, anime figurines, plush toys, and lip gloss. 5: A young person sits backwards in a chair, turned away from the camera. His face, arms, and back are adorned with star stickers, which shine in the light. 6: A screenshot of a listing on Ebay. The image in the listing shows three closed notebooks laid flat on top of each other. Below the image, a caption describes the listing as “Handwritten Diary, Troubled Teenager, 2000’s.” Below the caption the price read $56. Below the price the listing says 6 bids, Ends in 5 days and 7 hours. 7: The cover of Olivia Rodrigo's debut album Sour. Olivia Rodrigo is standing against a purple backdrop, wearing a fuzzy pale pink tank top and checkered bottoms. She looks at the camera and sticks out her tongue. On her tongue, letters spell out the word “Sour.” Her face is covered in an assortment of stickers. 8: Photograph of a group of four teenage girls posing in front of a white building during an annual U.F.O festival. They are each wearing a matching blue and white striped summer dress, a tiara, a pair of silver alien sunglasses, antennas, and a sash embroidered with the year (2023) and the phrase “Hudson Ambassador” along with their name, written in cursive. 9: A single speaker stands on a stage in front of a crowd almost entirely obscured in darkness. Behind the speaker, a large white screen displays the words: “turn customers into fanatics, products into obsessions, employees into ambassadors, and brands into religions.” The text is all lowercase and in black, but the words fanatics, obsessions, ambassadors, and religions appear in various shades of blue for emphasis.1: A close cropped photograph of a model with dark, bob-length hair against a white background. The model’s eyes are closed, her head tilted up, and her mouth is in an open smile. The model’s face, neck, and visible clothing are covered in an assortment of stickers. 2: A simple illustration in black and white showing a circle that contains smaller half-circles pressed up against one another. The caption reads: “Mosaic of subcultures.” 3: A grainy photograph showing a teenager dressed in baggy jeans and a black t-shirt standing on her bed against two walls filled with posters for bands, rockstars, and other celebrities. One prominent poster is for the band Alice in Chains. 4: A photograph of a pink and white flip phone, surrounded by an assortment of phone charms, including Hello Kitty charms, anime figurines, plush toys, and lip gloss. 5: A young person sits backwards in a chair, turned away from the camera. His face, arms, and back are adorned with star stickers, which shine in the light. 6: A screenshot of a listing on Ebay. The image in the listing shows three closed notebooks laid flat on top of each other. Below the image, a caption describes the listing as “Handwritten Diary, Troubled Teenager, 2000’s.” Below the caption the price read $56. Below the price the listing says 6 bids, Ends in 5 days and 7 hours. 7: The cover of Olivia Rodrigo's debut album Sour. Olivia Rodrigo is standing against a purple backdrop, wearing a fuzzy pale pink tank top and checkered bottoms. She looks at the camera and sticks out her tongue. On her tongue, letters spell out the word “Sour.” Her face is covered in an assortment of stickers. 8: Photograph of a group of four teenage girls posing in front of a white building during an annual U.F.O festival. They are each wearing a matching blue and white striped summer dress, a tiara, a pair of silver alien sunglasses, antennas, and a sash embroidered with the year (2023) and the phrase “Hudson Ambassador” along with their name, written in cursive. 9: A single speaker stands on a stage in front of a crowd almost entirely obscured in darkness. Behind the speaker, a large white screen displays the words: “turn customers into fanatics, products into obsessions, employees into ambassadors, and brands into religions.” The text is all lowercase and in black, but the words fanatics, obsessions, ambassadors, and religions appear in various shades of blue for emphasis.1: A close cropped photograph of a model with dark, bob-length hair against a white background. The model’s eyes are closed, her head tilted up, and her mouth is in an open smile. The model’s face, neck, and visible clothing are covered in an assortment of stickers. 2: A simple illustration in black and white showing a circle that contains smaller half-circles pressed up against one another. The caption reads: “Mosaic of subcultures.” 3: A grainy photograph showing a teenager dressed in baggy jeans and a black t-shirt standing on her bed against two walls filled with posters for bands, rockstars, and other celebrities. One prominent poster is for the band Alice in Chains. 4: A photograph of a pink and white flip phone, surrounded by an assortment of phone charms, including Hello Kitty charms, anime figurines, plush toys, and lip gloss. 5: A young person sits backwards in a chair, turned away from the camera. His face, arms, and back are adorned with star stickers, which shine in the light. 6: A screenshot of a listing on Ebay. The image in the listing shows three closed notebooks laid flat on top of each other. Below the image, a caption describes the listing as “Handwritten Diary, Troubled Teenager, 2000’s.” Below the caption the price read $56. Below the price the listing says 6 bids, Ends in 5 days and 7 hours. 7: The cover of Olivia Rodrigo's debut album Sour. Olivia Rodrigo is standing against a purple backdrop, wearing a fuzzy pale pink tank top and checkered bottoms. She looks at the camera and sticks out her tongue. On her tongue, letters spell out the word “Sour.” Her face is covered in an assortment of stickers. 8: Photograph of a group of four teenage girls posing in front of a white building during an annual U.F.O festival. They are each wearing a matching blue and white striped summer dress, a tiara, a pair of silver alien sunglasses, antennas, and a sash embroidered with the year (2023) and the phrase “Hudson Ambassador” along with their name, written in cursive. 9: A single speaker stands on a stage in front of a crowd almost entirely obscured in darkness. Behind the speaker, a large white screen displays the words: “turn customers into fanatics, products into obsessions, employees into ambassadors, and brands into religions.” The text is all lowercase and in black, but the words fanatics, obsessions, ambassadors, and religions appear in various shades of blue for emphasis.
Clockwise from top left: Omusi Yoon by Cho Gi-Seok for Dazed Korea, illustration from A Pattern Language (1977), unknown teen bedroom, mishumishi on Flickr, unknown starry figure, unknown screenshot source, Olivia Rodrigo’s Sour by Grant Spanier, Erinn Springer for NYT, unknown photographer of scary summit.
Quote from Fan Fiction: I’ve attached it here. The title, Portrait of the Artist as a Young-Girl, is a reference to the book Preliminary Materials For a Theory of the Young-Girl by an anonymous (must be nice, lol) philosophy collective. It puts forth a theory of an archetype who has learned to commodify every aspect of her life and view everything in terms of currency and her personal brand. Patriarchy and capitalism have shaped her values and her notions of real experience.
Handwritten playlist of songs on graph lined paper decorated with stickers. The headline at the top of the page reads “Portrait of the Artist as a Young-Girl” and is highlighted in pink. The playlist is: 1 Do you Believe in Magic? by The Lovin’ Spoonful 2 The Camera Loves Me by Would-Be-Goods 3 More, More, More by Andrea True Connection 4 Sound and Vision by David Bowie 5 Everybody Wants to Rule the World (Sped Up Version) by Tears for Fears and Speed Radio 6 Style by Taylor Swift 7 Somebody’s Watching You (Full Band Version) by Little Sister 8 When I’m With Him by Empress Of 9 Just an Illusion (Dub Mix) by Imagination 10 Live to Tell by Madonna 11 Writer in the Dark by Lorde 12 A Mirror by Yair Elazar Glotman 13 A Young Girl’s Complaint by Emahoy Tsege Mariam Gebru 14 “Style It Takes” by Lou Reed, John Cale
Inspired by how Minna Gilligan used to illustrate playlists for Rookie! Listen here.

And here are random screenshots/a hateful shirt I saw at JFK. Accelerated nostalgia, Google watching you feeling like you’re being watched, winning @ art…

1: Screenshot of Spotify suggested albums. The headline at the top of the image reads “fall but make it 2014-2016.” The albums visible in the screenshot are Red (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift and Ultraviolence (Deluxe) by Lana Del Rey. The screenshot has been doodled on. The header is circled in red. Underneath the title, the word “Stop” with an exclamation point has been drawn, also in red. 2: Screenshot of Google suggested questions. At the top of the image, a header reads “More to ask.” The questions are: “What causes the feeling of being watched?” “What does it feel like when you’re being watched?” “Can you feel it when you’re being watched?” “How do I stop feeling watched?” 3: Photograph of the back of an individual with short blonde hair. He is wearing a dark colored shirt with the phrase “Creatives are the new athletes” in all caps. 1: Screenshot of Spotify suggested albums. The headline at the top of the image reads “fall but make it 2014-2016.” The albums visible in the screenshot are Red (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift and Ultraviolence (Deluxe) by Lana Del Rey. The screenshot has been doodled on. The header is circled in red. Underneath the title, the word “Stop” with an exclamation point has been drawn, also in red. 2: Screenshot of Google suggested questions. At the top of the image, a header reads “More to ask.” The questions are: “What causes the feeling of being watched?” “What does it feel like when you’re being watched?” “Can you feel it when you’re being watched?” “How do I stop feeling watched?” 3: Photograph of the back of an individual with short blonde hair. He is wearing a dark colored shirt with the phrase “Creatives are the new athletes” in all caps. 1: Screenshot of Spotify suggested albums. The headline at the top of the image reads “fall but make it 2014-2016.” The albums visible in the screenshot are Red (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift and Ultraviolence (Deluxe) by Lana Del Rey. The screenshot has been doodled on. The header is circled in red. Underneath the title, the word “Stop” with an exclamation point has been drawn, also in red. 2: Screenshot of Google suggested questions. At the top of the image, a header reads “More to ask.” The questions are: “What causes the feeling of being watched?” “What does it feel like when you’re being watched?” “Can you feel it when you’re being watched?” “How do I stop feeling watched?” 3: Photograph of the back of an individual with short blonde hair. He is wearing a dark colored shirt with the phrase “Creatives are the new athletes” in all caps. 

Along with the books and essays cited in the zine, these were also on my mind, or I’m just itching to recommend them:

Susan Sontag’s story “Pilgrimage,” about two teen fans tracking down Thomas Mann. “The zealot of seriousness in me, because it was already full-grown in the child, continues to think of reality as yet-to-be.” Also On Photography:

“The sense of the unattainable that can be evoked by photographs feeds directly into the erotic feelings of those for whom desirability is enhanced by distance. The lover’s photograph hidden in a married woman’s wallet, the poster photograph of a rock star tacked up over an adolescent’s bed, the campaign-button image of a politician’s face pinned on a voter’s coat, the snapshots of a cab driver's children clipped to the visor—all such talismanic uses of photographs express a feeling both sentimental and implicitly magical: they are attempts to contact or lay claim to another reality.”

Imagine if I’d known when I was 13 and hated my life because of Tumblr that part of what made me feel that way was the technology itself! Related screenshots from my YouTube—sigh—recommendations:

1: Screenshot of a Youtube video. The paused image from the video shows an older man in the middle of explanation, hands blurred and frozen mid-gesticulation. The title of the video at the top of the image reads: “Wanting To Be Taylor Swift or Someone Other Than You.” 2: Screenshot of a Youtube video. At the bottom of the image, the title of the video reads “Taylor Swift - behind the scenes of the 1989 tour”  The video has been paused on an image showing a black screen with white text. The text reads: “The 1989 World Tour stage was built exclusively for Taylor and features a one of a kind catwalk that was designed by Taylor and her team based on her desire to be as close as possible to as many fans as possible during the show.” 1: Screenshot of a Youtube video. The paused image from the video shows an older man in the middle of explanation, hands blurred and frozen mid-gesticulation. The title of the video at the top of the image reads: “Wanting To Be Taylor Swift or Someone Other Than You.” 2: Screenshot of a Youtube video. At the bottom of the image, the title of the video reads “Taylor Swift - behind the scenes of the 1989 tour”  The video has been paused on an image showing a black screen with white text. The text reads: “The 1989 World Tour stage was built exclusively for Taylor and features a one of a kind catwalk that was designed by Taylor and her team based on her desire to be as close as possible to as many fans as possible during the show.”

Seymour Krim’s essay “For My Brothers and Sisters in the Failure Business” about being raised by American culture in the ‘40s-’50s. Really just reads like it’s about the internet to me now:

“That’s what this democracy was for us, a huge supermarket of mass man where we could take a piece here and a piece there to make our personalities for ourselves instead of putting up with what was given at the beginning.”

Within the Context of No Context by George W. S. Trow. A short work of media criticism that somehow reads like a fairytale or Greek myth or sci-fi. Depressing and exciting to read something that viscerally captures the loneliness engendered by mass media. Also feels like it’s about the internet despite being 40+ years old:

“People are so frightened. There is so much distance between them and their protection. They reward anyone who can convince them that there is no distance. In the vast distance between the protection and the protected, there is space for mirages of pseudo-intimacy. It is in this space that celebrities dance.”

Mary Gaitskill’s essay “Victims and Losers: A Love Story,” for its ideas about exhausting victim narratives to avoid feeling the actual pain of having been victimized. Find it in her post about her stories “Secretary” and “Minority Report.” (Great triple feature!)

“Whatever the suffering is, it's not to be endured, for God's sake, not felt and never, ever accepted. It's to be triumphed over. And because some things cannot be triumphed over unless they are first accepted and endured, because, indeed, some things cannot be triumphed over at all, the ‘story’ must be told again and again in endless pursuit of a happy ending.”

Jason Sperb’s essay “Ghost without a Machine: Enid's Anxiety of Depth(lessness) in Terry Zwigoff's Ghost World” via The Daniel Clowes Reader—great on the affinity between teens and ghosts, suburban ennui and armchair nostalgia.

The Promise of Nostalgia by Nicola Sayers includes a section on teen-me’s internet output; it was truly rewarding to see aspects of my image-making and world-organizing contextualized far beyond my awareness or intention. Like maybe they were forward-looking and hopeful, not just mimicry and existential lack :-) This book also introduced me to Arjun Appadurai’s term “armchair nostalgia,” and the parts of his book Modernity at Large about consumption as work, which made the strange contracts of online fandom even more apparent to me.

Damon Krukowski’s Ways of Hearing and The New Analog made me see how newer listening technology is literally, physically disorienting, even antisocial—and how this feeds the parasocial connection to a singer, and to the idea of a faraway, realer reality, as opposed to one’s immediate, physical reality.

Image of 9 books laid flat on a wood surface. The books are: “Operation Shylock: A Confession” by Phillip Roth “Erasure” by Percival Everett “Pale Fire” by Vladimir Nabokov “I Love Dick” by Chris Kraus “The Death of the Heart” by Elizabeth Bown “The End of the Affair” by Graham Greene “My Pinup: A Paean to Prince” by Hilton Als “Within the Context of No Context” by George W. S. Trow “The Member of the Wedding” by Carson McCullers

Some friends and readers said Fan Fiction is my I Love Dick. That book is so in my DNA that I didn’t even notice. I have two journals from high school that say on the spine "mostly I Love Dick quotes." At 19 I wrote an article that compared Taylor Swift to Chris Kraus’s character. Is Fan Fiction what happens when the Chris becomes the Dick…

Also DNA: My Pinup: A Paean to Prince by Hilton Als and a lot of his writing about experiencing twinship with performers and writers. His White Girls also introduced me to The Member of the Wedding (“the we of me”!!!)—I want to emphasize that I think the play is perfect, the one to read, even though I love the novel, too.

Fiction: Operation Shylock, Erasure and Pale Fire for obsession, doppelgängers, doubles, hoaxes, delusions of grandeur, meta-commentary, self-annihilating narrators, literary envy and unhinged letters.

Maybe the thing to know about The End of the Affair is that when my friend Rose gifted it to me, she wrote, “TW: who gets to tell the story.”

The Death of the Heart by Elizabeth Bowen—wee Portia is like an early Harriet the Spy, a diarist punished for honestly documenting the people around her. Not analogous to Fan Fiction, plot-wise, but these exchanges haunt me:

1: Cropped photograph of text on the page of a book. The text reads: “Mine’s just a diary,” she said helplessly. St. Quentin coughed, with just a touch of remorse. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I’ve been too smart again. But that does me no good, in the long run.” “I’d rather not have it known. It is simply a thing of mine.” “No, that’s where you’re wrong. Nothing like that stops with oneself . You do a most dangerous thing. All the time, you go making connections—and that can be a vice.” “I don’t know what you mean.” “You’re working on us, making us into something. Which is not fair–we are not on our guard with you. For instance, now I know you keep this book, I shall always feel involved in some sort of plan. You reciprocate things. I daresay,” said St. Quentin kindly, “that what you write is quite silly, but all the same, you are taking a liberty. You set traps for us. You ruin our free will.” “I write what has happened. I don’t invent.” “You put constructions on things. You are a most dangerous girl.” “No one knows what I do.” “Oh, but believe me, we feel it. You must see how rattled we are now. 2: Photograph of one page of a book. At the top, the title reads “The Devil.” The text on the page is: “Made me think you kept a diary? Now that I come to look at you, I don’t think you’d be so rash.” “If I kept one, it would be a dead secret. Why should that be rash?” “It is madness to write things down.” “But you write those books you write almost all day, don’t you?” “But what’s in them never happened. It might have, but never did. And though what is felt in them is just possible—in fact, it’s much more possible, in an unnerving way, than most people will admit—it’s fairly improbable. So, you see, it’s my game from the start. But I should never write what had happened down. One’s nature is to forget, and one ought to go by that. Memory is quite unbearable enough, but even so it leaves out quite a lot. It wouldn’t let one down as gently, even, as that if it weren’t more than half a fake—we remember to suit ourselves. No, really, er, Portia, believe me: if one didn’t let oneself swallow some few lies, I don’t know how one would ever carry the past. Thank God, except at its one moment there’s never any such thing as a bare face. Ten minutes later, half an hour later, one’s begun to gloze the fact over with a deposit of some sort. The hours I spent with thee dear love are like a string of pearls to me. But a diary (if one did keep it up to date) would come much too near the mark. One out to secrete for some time before one begins to look back at anything. Look how reconciled to everything reminiscences are…. Also, suppose somebody read it?” 1: Cropped photograph of text on the page of a book. The text reads: “Mine’s just a diary,” she said helplessly. St. Quentin coughed, with just a touch of remorse. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I’ve been too smart again. But that does me no good, in the long run.” “I’d rather not have it known. It is simply a thing of mine.” “No, that’s where you’re wrong. Nothing like that stops with oneself . You do a most dangerous thing. All the time, you go making connections—and that can be a vice.” “I don’t know what you mean.” “You’re working on us, making us into something. Which is not fair–we are not on our guard with you. For instance, now I know you keep this book, I shall always feel involved in some sort of plan. You reciprocate things. I daresay,” said St. Quentin kindly, “that what you write is quite silly, but all the same, you are taking a liberty. You set traps for us. You ruin our free will.” “I write what has happened. I don’t invent.” “You put constructions on things. You are a most dangerous girl.” “No one knows what I do.” “Oh, but believe me, we feel it. You must see how rattled we are now. 2: Photograph of one page of a book. At the top, the title reads “The Devil.” The text on the page is: “Made me think you kept a diary? Now that I come to look at you, I don’t think you’d be so rash.” “If I kept one, it would be a dead secret. Why should that be rash?” “It is madness to write things down.” “But you write those books you write almost all day, don’t you?” “But what’s in them never happened. It might have, but never did. And though what is felt in them is just possible—in fact, it’s much more possible, in an unnerving way, than most people will admit—it’s fairly improbable. So, you see, it’s my game from the start. But I should never write what had happened down. One’s nature is to forget, and one ought to go by that. Memory is quite unbearable enough, but even so it leaves out quite a lot. It wouldn’t let one down as gently, even, as that if it weren’t more than half a fake—we remember to suit ourselves. No, really, er, Portia, believe me: if one didn’t let oneself swallow some few lies, I don’t know how one would ever carry the past. Thank God, except at its one moment there’s never any such thing as a bare face. Ten minutes later, half an hour later, one’s begun to gloze the fact over with a deposit of some sort. The hours I spent with thee dear love are like a string of pearls to me. But a diary (if one did keep it up to date) would come much too near the mark. One out to secrete for some time before one begins to look back at anything. Look how reconciled to everything reminiscences are…. Also, suppose somebody read it?”

At the beginning of the year all this stuff came together in a work of writing I just kept sending out for help. Thank you to my friends who gave me such thoughtful feedback, detailed edits, and long phone calls: John Biggers, Maya Binyam, Dustin Guy Defa, Sam Freilich, Laia Garcia-Furtado, Rose Lichter-Marck, Cristin Milioti, Talene Monahon, Maya E. Rudolph, Matt Wolf. I told Matt that I felt like I should just post the story as a pdf because I was impatient and it seemed too long and complicated to submit anywhere. He was like, it should obviously be a zine. He was right! And then writing it became even more fun. In a storm, in my best dress, fearless…

Design-wise, I knew that Part One should look like a literary journal, Three would just be emails, but Two was harder to pin down. I eventually told myself it would be collaged like a fanzine. I scanned doodles, stickers and trinkets using a phone app. Thank you to Audrey Libatique for organizing these files. Thank you to me for never throwing anything away. Thank you to Chrissy Rhee for designing the zine’s perfect cover and laying out the inside, making all my InDesign dreams come true. THANK YOU!!!!

Screenshot of a computer file that contains twenty digital images (jpegs) arranged in a grid. Each image is of an individual object or a doodle. The objects are a ring, three safety pins, a staple, four thumbtacks, a bottle of nail polish, four charm bracelets, and a small octagonal case with the initials “TG”. The last seven images are of heart doodles, each slightly different.
A photograph showing an open copy of the zine “Fan Fiction” laid flat on a wood surface. Two pages of the zine are visible. At the top of the left page, a hand-written header reads “Part Two: Mirrorball.” The text is written in a serif font and the borders of both pages are decorated with miscellaneous images which include doodles of hearts, safety pins, paperclips, matches, charm bracelets. At the bottom of the left page, hand-written doodles read “(Tavi’s Version?)” and “(Tavi’s Version!!!).” At the bottom of the right page, a handwritten doodle reads “This Journal Belongs To: Taylor Swift” with the name covered by a necklace with beads that say TAVI.

Then one night I was up late, listening to the Breeders and sorting these jpgs when I realized that I was doing the same thing I’d done for the Rookie Yearbooks—matching each object to its rightful spread, placing it in relation to a specific line of text. It dawned on me: Part Two wasn’t “fanzine,” it was Rookie! Which makes sense, because its voice is more confessional and ranty than other writing I’ve published since Rookie folded. There is a brief reference to the Yearbooks in Fan Fiction, only for how demanding that process was, and here I was, recreating one of its joys. Of course a project fueled by fandom would reconnect me with my teen self in other ways. Heart hands!!!!

The Rookie Yearbooks (from these stories):

Left: Photograph showing one page of an open book on a wood surface. The article in the center of the page is titled “Literally the Best Thing Ever: Aerosmith's “Crazy” Video.” The article is surrounded by a leopard print border decorated with various cut outs: images of lipstick, a doodle of sunglasses, stars, and a cherry. Right: Photograph of an open book on a wood surface. The page in the book features a grid of four fashion editorial photos set on top of a piece of lined notebook paper. The top two photos, one full body and one close up, show a model in a red dress with her hair done up in two eccentric cones. The bottom left image shows a couple kissing. The bottom right image shows two people in the chip aisle of a grocery store. The border of the page is decorated with star stickers and doodles of stars. Left: Photograph showing one page of an open book on a wood surface. The article in the center of the page is titled “Literally the Best Thing Ever: Aerosmith's “Crazy” Video.” The article is surrounded by a leopard print border decorated with various cut outs: images of lipstick, a doodle of sunglasses, stars, and a cherry. Right: Photograph of an open book on a wood surface. The page in the book features a grid of four fashion editorial photos set on top of a piece of lined notebook paper. The top two photos, one full body and one close up, show a model in a red dress with her hair done up in two eccentric cones. The bottom left image shows a couple kissing. The bottom right image shows two people in the chip aisle of a grocery store. The border of the page is decorated with star stickers and doodles of stars.

I should note that Sonja Ahlers designed many of those Yearbook spreads, and our covers, and when she didn’t design them, she greatly influenced them, and Rookie’s visual identity, and me. I recently wrote about this in an essay for her treasure trove of a book.

Photograph of a clear acrylic shelf that is decorated with various neatly arranged objects, like a shrine. Objects include polaroid photographs, lipstick, matchboxes, a snowglobe, crystals, and other knick-knacks. A copy of the zine “Fan Fiction” is prominently displayed in the center-back of the shelf.
You could play I Spy between the cover and my dollhouse-shaped bookcase

I decided the zine had to be done before The Tortured Poets Department would come out and overwhelm me with new possibilities. I used some of my time at Monson Arts to sit in a glorious studio and cling to my sanity I mean zoom with Chrissy while snow blanketed the empty streets below. When it was time to cut myself off, John Biggers helped me put the zine online. Many thanks to John and to Bathsheba Nemerovski for printing and distributing the zine in Chicago. Thank you Marian Chudnovsky for printing and distributing it in New York. Thanks to all the spots listed here for carrying a free zine. Thank you Heavy Manners in L.A. for now printing and selling it, where it’s in such good hands and good company!

Screenshot of a text exchange. First text reads “Walked into Topos in Ridgewood to distribute zines and someone was reading the zine on their laptop!!! Handed them a physical copy [smiley face emoji with hearts] This sounds too crazy to be true but it is!!” Second text reads “That’s amazing!!!!!” [Happy crying emoji]
Report from Marian while I foamed at the mouth in Maine

If you want a deeper dive (sicko) (also, thank you): My friend Haley Nahman had me on her great newsletter’s podcast, where we discussed Reddit, writing and shame. I also talked to Max on the Longform podcast about the zine, ambition and our last interview, 10 years ago…Longform is one of my favorites, now come to its very triumphant end, and I was very honored to make it on just in time. I also x2 talked to Jasmine Vojdani at Vulture on my last day in Monson, after not talking to anyone but the other residents for approx 1,000 years. I felt stupid after so I’ll let you be the judge of that and if I’m deserving of love or should rot in hell, etc., but I really appreciated her write-up.

I am also grateful for the level of engagement by Leigh Stein, Molly Mary O’Brien, Olivia Craighead, and Allegra Rosenberg. My friend Annie Hamilton wrote a sharp, sneaky, very sweet article that had people stopping both of us on the street to ask what was real. Thank you, Annie, I love your mind!

Finally, thank you, Dear Reader. This has been a hoot, a very thoughtful hoot, and it’s left me with a great sense of possibility. OUT: fear, artistic purgatory, relying on institutional support. IN: risk, self-publishing, keeping things loose, tapping into being 15 and hating everyone/loving everything. As Gary Gilmore once said, Just Do It.

I’ll probably do more stuff like this occasionally:

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